sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
