I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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