im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
