he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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