I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sorry about my life...
my liver is dry heaving
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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