I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
