just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
