A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
