Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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