No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
