My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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