I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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