The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
