My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
