Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
