What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
