What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
