if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
