I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
