We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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