my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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