Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
