You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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