you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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