Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
