Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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