mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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