You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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