My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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