the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
