Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
