I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ketchup is God's man juice
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
