Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
