I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Be still, my beating vagina.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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