mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
