He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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