would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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