Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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