i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dicks are not precious.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
