The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
