I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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