I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
