My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
