I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
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