I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
