My first STD was from a foam party
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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