i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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