Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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