Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When are your genitals available?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
