Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
