im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
