Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Gay?
German.
Pity.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
