Who wears a wallet chain?!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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