i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
