Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
