Can i not drive my cunt home
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize