you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
