And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
