Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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