It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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