Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
