i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
