Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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